Where is He?
Were it not for my pride, I would have given up by now.
Came this far… and for what?
Watching this downward spiral from the sidelines?
Every broken vessel leading me astray;
Every wicked thought choking my resolve;
Every sin that wrestles for my soul…

my soul is very sorrowful, even to death…
—Matthew 26:38

Every night I cried out that I couldn’t do it;
Every doubt that came with an ampersand;
Every question that led me from the cross;
Every “if so, then what?”; every “but what if?”
Wondering, is He still speaking?
Panicking, where did my heart go?

                               My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; Nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will…
—Matthew 26:39

Burying my face into the cotton of a pillow,
Searching the silence of God;
Blasting the most powerful worship song I knew,
Hoping it’d shatter some wall inside me or just shatter me;
Every time that didn’t work and loneliness clawed within;
Every time I scanned the cityscape through floor-to-ceiling glass
Yearning for someone… anyone?

                         And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping. And He said to Peter, “So, could you not watch with Me one hour?”
—Matthew 26:40

All the answers that failed to find me,
And all the ways I tried to write them myself;
All the times I preferred to lose my soul to the world…
“Are You silent because this is what makes me stronger?
Or are You silent because there’s nothing You will do to fix me anymore?”
Imagine the serpentine jade in one’s soul to ask such a thing.

                                                                              "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?"
My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?
Matthew 27:46

Wondering if it was all a ruse,
If the joy was ever that profound or if I’d been deceived…
How many forks in the road you can choose,
How many turns of the page can you flip to in a Choose Your Own Adventure
Before you no longer remember there was even a way back
(Page one didn’t look like this)

                          “Have you come out as against a robber, with swords and clubs to capture Me?” Then all the disciples left Him and fled.
Matthew 26:55-56

Melancholic, torturous apathy became comfortable complacency,
Comfortable complacency became hungry, lustful rebellion…
…chasms separate us now.
I no longer know how to face my God.
I no longer know Him at all.

“This man was with Jesus of Nazareth.”
                  And again Peter denied it with an oath: “I do not know the man.”
Matthew 26:71-72

I have failed, miserably so,
I have forgotten almost enough;
It would be easier to ditch the faith than return, and yet…
There He is. Hanging. Naked. Shredded.
Dripping blood, sweat, and tears for me;
“If you know anything at all, know this,” I tell myself,

"When He was reviled, He did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but continued entrusting Himself to Him who judges justly. He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds you have been healed."
—1 Peter 2:23-24
But now thus says the Lord, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, For I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine." —Isaiah 43:1
"He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love Me?” Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” And he said to Him, “Lord, You know everything; You know that I love You.”"
—John 21:17 

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